my fallancy.... and my beloved necklace chain broke... sob sob

i feel so oppressed suddenly
alone in this hostel room
blogging is the only means i can 'say' sth on my mind
i know i can constantly commune wif the Holy Spirit, still, man needs to tok to pple, needs a listening ear....

although this blog entry wld be dated friday, but now its still a little past midnight on friday
i felt sad... sudden mood swing to real low-point
probably cos i juz broke my most beloved necklace chain again while bathing
so rough of me to juz pull it out when my tower got caught in the chain
its real white gold chain from goldheart
my sis gave me last year during my baptism
its precious to me and i cant bare to wear it
seeing my mom put on hers (tat my sis gave her), i decided to wear mine too
but its broke, and my heart broke too :(

i know tis is only something material and can buy again,
but it puzzles me becos tis is my 2nd time breaking a necklace wif a cross on it
i wonder wad does it signify
tat the problem wif me
i think too much
but e only logical reason i rationalised is cos God's telling me
its not necessary to wear sth as an outwardly expression to let others noe i'm a christian
or prob it simply means nothing...

suddenly i felt so unmotivated to study
missed home
mom, sis, Shaun, dad
my own bed, own room, own privacy
finally understood how cum wanhui said she cant study in hall
past few days i still felt strongly tat its not gg to be the case for me
but now i realised i'm no exception
prob cos i i realised and decided i wont stay in hall since i dun meet my cut-off

dunno why but its again another vicious cycle i'm experiencing
same as last sem when <2 weeks to exams,
i'll start to feel helpless, depressed, dying to leave hall
although tis time i'd again decided to try staying in hall to study during exams
but somehow, conditions juz drives me wanna run back home
wad a mummy's child...
tis makes me worried
wad if 2 years later when i'm stranded in Beijing
i cant run home during exam periods
haf to stay there becos home is juz too far!
wld tis day come?
i think in such helpless situations, i hope i'll learn to adapt to survive
and only then can i cling entirely on God's grace and provision
for Him to bring me thru

i admired scholars who came here to study
all alone
to get a gd degree and of course,
their character will be shaped

somehow i juz suddenly cant study altho tonite i'm so awake
prob cos past few nights i've been sleeping well
i juz felt so unbalanced
emptiness
lonely
oppressed
guilty
.......
horrible

argh!!!! i wanna scream!!!! how come my mind keeps having images of u???
STOP! STOP!

dun fall away again...

its such a torturous mental & emotional battle against the devils' lies
tat nobody can be immune to it

(coming back to my senses-sidetrack)
i felt encouraged by champ's testimony he shared today
the way he understood its God's divine appointment
and the calling for him to serve in crusade
and its true tat we need to serve wif a joyful and willing heart

wad am i doing?
i dunno
wasting time

why am i blogging?
juz becos i juz need to tell someone
there's no one in the room besides myself
but who reads my blogs when i only tell so few pple?

and my blogs are always so long and boring
who wld bother to read them?

to admit,
i'm homesick
and love-sick
so distracted
the me u see is juz putting up a strong front
i'm lying...
horrible. sinful

who really cares for me besides u, my God?
i really dunno how if i dun haf u...
becos if i juz wait for frens to care for me,
i'll always be so disappointed
frens come and go
even old ones are not loyal and faithful
new frens in uni are juz so superficial
everyone's busy and a true fren is hard to find
family wise,
my mom seldom call or ask me of my well being
my dad i only sees him twice a week
my sis is juz an sms away, but somehow we aren't really connected
everyone is so near yet so far...
wad if currently i'm in beijing?

only Clara my spiritual mom truely cares for me and checks on me
i can share most things wif her and she really touches my life
in the way she prays for me and desire the best from me
i can see God's love thru her
and i wanna sincerely thank you, Clara

i think i'm still a child who needs someone to discipline me
but how cum i cant handle my own life?

the clock is clicking away
mycourseates are pia-ing over the tcm
everyone is studying
but here i am typing brainless stuff
amazed tat i can actually write so much
yet i'm of such little words...

can i say quit? of course no...
i need more of God's grace and mercy...

i think i dun understand myself
i'm such a complicated person
most times i dunno wad i want
dislike to make decisions
usually stick to usual norms, hate changes n adapting to new envt
timid to try new things
i'm juz so boring

my life is juz too serious
merely sch, hall, sch, hall repeatatively
deprived. no fun at all becos of the restrictions i set for myself
dull. i see no colours. colours make me happy

i wanna go home
but there's still sat prac and proj discussion
fri there's baptism service which i felt like gg
but the distance once again tires me out

argh! enough of babbling!
get back to my senses!!!
enough.
full stop.

felt better getting everything off my chest...

hang in there all you who are struggling...
its juz a few more weeks...
JIA YOU :)