With a head full of white hair, its not difficult to spot this lady in any crowd if you’re tall enough. She has such chameleon personality; when she’s happy, she can laugh and behave like as if she’s still in her 30s although she’s already in her 60s; but when she’s depressed or unhappy, she can give you the cold shoulder, as if the whole world has offended her. This lady I’m describing is none other than my mother.

As I grow up, I don’t know why I find it harder and harder to live with her under the same roof. The so-near-yet-so-far kind of feeling makes it unbearable to be spending my day at home, with her always sitting outside the living room the moment she wakes up. Unless its mealtimes, she wouldn’t talk to me. She’s either simply bored with her life, simply not knowing how else to find meaning anymore. Or perhaps she just finds that all old people only needs to eat, sleep and watch TV. I thought she’s simply addicted to the SCV programs showing, but many times I realised she’s always watching similar, or perhaps even the repeated variety shows, and I had asked her what is she watching, she doesn’t know. Her eyes are just glued to the TV, like those 3 years old kids who just likes to watch cartoons. But its not as simple as that, because I soon came to realise that she also sometimes doesn’t bathe, doesn’t do housework at all except the laundry when the washing machines becomes full, doesn’t go to the market or anywhere else, but only sits on her special wooden chair, eyes glued to the TV from dawn to dusk. This sounds scary… and then I realised she could have depression…again…

Since young, my nose is rather sensitive to dust. For the past few days, and even all the times throughout the year, I will keep sneezing or have nose irritation when it becomes dusty, and usually I’ll dismiss it as having catch a cold last night, or morning sinus because I’ll usually be fine when I get out of the house. Later I began to realise that the house is far too dusty. Perhaps I’m not the type of clean-freak who needs to clean the house everyday (not feasible anyway), but I try to maintain proper cleanliness and neatness in my own room. Because my mom doesn’t clean for me, so I have to do it myself lor. But what irritates me is that, being so sneezy, and yet my mom doesn’t care at all. She’s simply ignorant, and I don’t even need to hope that she helps me clean up y room. So werid… most people have mothers who nag too much, and yet I have a strange one who totally don’t care, as if given up on being a mother even… Sometimes I even have to scold her to take her bath, and try to force her go market or keep the house clean. Yes, I understand she’s old and I never really expect her to do a lot of things for me, but at least take care of her own hygiene right? Its simply so frustrating, mixed with hurts and helplessness at her plight. Seeing the way she self impose torture upon herself simply breaks my heart that sometimes I also get affected negatively, and bitterness and self-pity breeds within me, causing me to break down at silly times in front of someone, or simply cry myself to bed. I just felt its so unfair. She’s the homemaker and its only during the holidays that I’m more free to help out with the housework, but doesn’t mean I become the housewife right? Then what happens a month later when my school starts and no time for me to bother… I dare not imagne… No mop at home only use the magic cleaner to wipe the floor occasionally; ironing board getting rusty and how I wish I can get new one; the window panes stuffed with dust that can be scooped out; pots of soil probably breeding ants because the plants have all die and she’s too lazy to throw them away; the fan in her room spoilt and she refuses to get new one or simply use the spare one in the living room; cobwebs or a layer of dust on the dinning table and kitchen table; the floor feels so dusty, but she don’t find any need to clean it because she wears a slipper at home and cannot feel the dust anyway; many things at home all running out and she doesn’t do grocery shopping/marketing and so I have to do it; she’s lazy to cook, sometimes even lazy to buy food when its just downstairs!!! Arghh I shall not continue…

Ah chew! Sniff sniff… sigh…

Maybe I should have simply moved out or stay permanently in hostel. But I was prompted that I need to be at home to accompany her, simply because I love her, and also to save money (but waste a lot of time and energy) because concession traveling is cheaper than staying in hall… but sadly she doesn’t appreciate me at home… so hard to please her… what more can I do but to juz pray that God will make a miracle n her life to start living a more meaningful again….

My dear friends… perhaps this is a very sudden and shocking post, but I decided to post it here to vent my frustrations accumulated over these few months… maybe some of you have seen my mother before, well, hopefully please don’t judge her on what I’ve said…

Sometimes I wonder why didn’t my mom choose to abort me instead of the brother who is supposed to be born a year before me? Perhaps its for His purpose… Now that I’m born into this kind of family, how I wish I can breakfree from family troubles, or simply walk away out of my family, people whom I find them hard to love… but I know they’re placed in my live because of some important lessons that God wants to teach me, and the situation is as such for His glory… all I can do is simply pray for more strength and patience to live each day for Him…