dAnCe... a PaSSiOn tUrN iNtO hAtE...

today my hall Cultural Nite has finally ended... and i'm so glad tat i did not need to perform becos they're only doing the IH competition piece... but still, i was involved and came down for the decoration and help the gals wif their hair... then i get to enjoy the show... taking a backseat to watch dance performances is so different from being the performer... and i have definitely made up my mind to quit dancing for good.
as i think back my dancing life, i've indeed taken up a lot of different types of dances, but abit like jack of all trades (in dance only) but master of none. so whenever pple ask me wad kind of dance i do, i seriously dunno how to answer, and always say i 've done all sorts b4, but always felt too arrogant to say tat... actually if given a chance, i'd choose ballet or contemp/modern dance... as long as its slow, i'd appreciate it more cos my motions are generally too gentle and soft... below i shall reflect on my dancing life...

i muz say loved to dance very much since young and will always pull my mom to dance whenever i watched tv and saw pple dancing... so seeing my interest in dance, my mom brought me to learn ballet. oh my i simply love it becos i felt tat i was rather talented in it and the teacher likes me very much... i'm always the one getting the highest scores in ballet exams. i started taking ballet lessons since 7yrs old, and was forced to stop becos exam fees were too high and i was learning chinese dance (since pri 2) in my primary sch then as an ECA which was free. at pri 3 i joined the girls' piper team to learn blowing the piper and their dance at the peoples' association. very soon, my chinese dance teacher in pri sch saw tat i could dance quite well, so she asked me to learn at her dance lessons at a CC in chinatown there, so i was honoured to join her elementary class which consists of sec sch girls becos i danced better than others of my age... so i actually had so many dance practices in pri sch... i rmb every sat i wld go to 3 diff places for activities - morning was sch chinese dance, followed by girls' piper practice at PA and CC chinese dance, and sunday morning ballet... i really enjoyed every one of it becos teachers appreciated my dance, and i improved quickly... i'm thankful to my mom who tirelessly brings me to those dance lessons, and my dad who chauffers me sumtimes...
but sadly at pri 3, my eldest sister passed away and my mom din haf the energy to bring me to the practices, so i had to drop one of them, and it was ballet becos the exam fees was too expensive... still rmb my ballet teacher ms Ma was very reluctant becos i was her best student. but no choice i stopped learning ballet at grade 2 at age of 10. i continued on wif my chinese dance in sch & CC, and subsequently stopped the piper training too...
when i entered TKGS, i need to choose CCA and needless to say, i jumped straight to dance so i went for audition. i got in and the instructor was ms Sharon. she's a fierce woman who likes to play favouritism, and was nv kind wif her comments to me... still rmb she once scolded me 'hsiu huan, u're disgraceful', and at tat age, tis comment was impactful... i was really hurt becos i had esteemed myself to be a gd dancer alrdy, but somehow, she seems like out to get me liddat... she teaches jazz and modern. i'm glad tat at sec 2 i got the opportunity to go London on this dance exchange programme wif the TK dance Club, and we trained really hard to bring a variety of dances to perform there. they include chinese, indian, malay dances, a piece called 'shapes & design', and a few others tat i can't rmb... we went to a few schools to perform and had a few lessons at this dancing sch... it was a memorable experience. there's also time to tour ard London, and it was my 1st time gg overseas w/o parents... much freedom, but i regret not shopping & buying enough stuff then... haha... at sec we oso took part in the SYF but sadly we only got silver and i rmb the sch, or rather peggy tng (PE HOD) was unhappy. haha. well, those were the still considered bitter but memorable days of dance...
then went on to TJC, i still chose dance as CCA becos tats become so natural instinct... prob cos nothing much to choose, and didn't haf any interest in other thgs, so juz joined dance lor. Zaki was our dance choreographer. well, he's a famous guy man! but abit sissy. haha which male dancer isn't?! haha anw, i really learn alot from him. and there's quite a few performances in the short 2 yrs JC life... most memorable was of cos Mardi Gras and Reverie (dance nite). during Mardi Gras, i performed the latin dance (wif the big red heavy skirt which makes me trip and fall), moulein rouge (hot short bottoms wif fishnet stockings and holter black top) and even a duet ballet piece wif Chin Chin! we practiced real hard for it man! almost everyday i go home so late, and thank God i stay so near sch... but it was very tiring becos i hold 3 CCAs then (other 2 were library club and PRIMER - research project grp bio section). haha now i think back i juz think i'm mad lah. thank God tat he saw me thr JC life and even gave me the desired 3 As and B3 for GP for A'levels... haha Praise God! then i had to thought of putting an end to my dancing life after Mardi Gras, becos i was too drained alrdy... but somehow when i entered uni....
i still joined dance (alas!) haha wanted to join contemp dance under CAC sch but time clash, so joined hall dance and even got into cultural subcomm and sort of in charge of dance... wif tis organising thingy on hand, i started to really dislike dance, becos we din haf a choreographer, and most of the dance was contributed by Lauretta (1 of the dance heads). its was the type of dance tat i din like. hip-hop style, danced to a fast no. and i really look forward for all dance performances to end! and today it finally ended! (act still go SBS dance lah...sigh...)

so why did i start to hate dance now? well, a combination of reasons lah... firstly was the type of dance. hip-hop, sexy, fast songs tat simply stop my inspirations becos my body is not used to moving along wif these rowdy music. i'm a very 'traditional dancer', so these types of dances i dunno how to appreciate, and of cos find no joy in doing such dances. secondly, its cos i think i've grown too fat to look gd on stage as a dancer. i hate the slight amused and unbelieving glance when pple ask me my hobbies and i juz said dance. it is true tat dance was my love, nv left my life, in fact it was a huge segment of my growing up. i hate my fat thighs and calves. can't do the ballet moves as nicely anymore... very sad... my shape and size of my body has somehow lowered my self-esteem... like comments from pple who say i look fatter than my sis, blah blah... i noe i need to love myself becos i am shaped by God, but the fats ard my tummy, arms, legs juz put me off and i look disgusting wearing skirts and even sleeveless tops becos these expose my flabby-ness... sigh... and on top of tat i stay wif a roomie who's so skinny and has the perfect toned body to suit a dancer brand... well, juz haf to accept tat God made diff pple diff shapes and sizes. but i need to exercise to lose some weight to stay healthy, furthermore, i wan look gd b4 my 21st bday next year mah.. back to dance, and so i began to really hate dance till the point tat i pull out of dance performance whenever possible... so now i wanna annouce and celebration tat i haf put a FULL STOP to all DANCE activities... Lord, help me find joy in learning something else or pick up a new hobby...

OMG!!! its past 2am alrdy... and i haven't done a single thing! haiz.